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JUNE 1, 2017
Be Alone Until You Find Someone Who Actually Gives A Shit About You
By Becca Martin

http://tcat.tc/2ssK4cf

God & Man
Being alone is not scary, or bad, or a curse, or any other bullshit thing that people make it out to be. Being alone is also not lonely, unless you make it lonely.
Being alone is better than settling for a bunch of shitty dates that make you feel horrible about yourself or waking up next to some dude who thinks your name is Whitney when it’s not even close. Being alone is the time you have to get comfortable with yourself and that time is so important.
People get so stressed and worked up about being alone when there is no reason for it at all because being alone is as good or as bad as you make it.
Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t just say they will show up but actually shows up and shows up excited to see you. Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t make endless excuses and actually wants to spend time with you doing the things you want to do.
Be alone until you find someone who talks about you and who talks you up to their friends, or family, or coworkers, or the homeless dude on the street corner – literally anyone. Be alone until you find someone who is proud as hell to show you off because anything less than that is bullshit.
Be alone until you find someone who can’t wait to see you but not in an overbearing pushy, controlling manner but in an “I care about you” manner because yes, there is a difference between the two. And no, being with someone who controls you is not cool.
Be alone until you find someone you actually want to spend your free time with not someone you’re convincing yourself you like or worse – someone you have to convince to like you. Someone whose attention you have to beg for is not someone who is worth your time. If someone likes you, you will know otherwise it’s time to let them go and focus more on yourself.
Be alone until you find someone who misses you when you’re not around, not someone who forgets you exist on the weekends unless they’re drunk and lonely. Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about the way you feel. Not someone who says “oh well, you’ll forgive me later” or just expects you to get over it. Be alone until you find someone who doesn’t ghost you or leave you hanging more often than not.
Be alone until you find someone who is proud of you, who inspires you, who wants you to be better and wants to help you get there. Be alone until you find someone who erases your insecurities and makes you feel good in your own skin. Be alone until you find someone who puts you first and makes you feel like a priority because you don’t have time to be an option.
Be alone until you find someone who actually gives a shit about you. So many people settle for mediocre relationships with lame ass people – don’t be one of those people. Love is the one thing you should never, ever settle for.
Until then – be alone. You will thank yourself for doing so. 
READ THIS
40 Of The Deepest Six Word Stories That Will Make You Feel Less Alone
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By Radha Kistler
Becca Martin
I like dogs, brunch and going to bed early. Insta with me.
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Cataloged in be alone, Dating, Finding Love, Heart, Heart Catalog, Love, Relationships, Stay Single, TC-Trending
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Gentleman's Journal / Etiquette / Etiquette Advice
Women reveal more traits that they find attractive in a man
How much class do you have?


BY THE GENTLEMAN
6TH JUNE 2017



A recent study conducted by fashion label Peter Hahn has revealed the top most attractive traits that a woman looks for in a man – age-old questions such as whether it’s still expected of you to pay up on a date or not are answered. So, if you’re looking to carry on impressing the woman in your life, read on.
Basic manners
Funnily enough, manners are the top most essential trait a gentleman needs to have in order to be attractive to the opposite sex. It’s a simple case of please and thank you, of holding the door open, giving up your seat for someone more in need than you. Miss these, and your luck will soon run out.
Being well-read

Again, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that one of the most attractive traits a man can have is being interesting and interested, a skill learnt by being well-read. Whether that means having your finger on the pulse of current affairs, or taking the time to read one of the world’s best novels, make sure you’re staying in the know.
Is discreet about money

Being discreet about money is imperative. No one in this world likes a bragger, no matter how successful or rich they are. You just got a huge pay rise? Great, good for you. Keep it close to you and discreetly pay for everyone’s drinks for a night, not mentioning it to anyone. That, my friend, is a lot more attractive than bragging to the whole bar about how big, clever or rich you are.
Dressing appropriately for the occasion

Going to a football match? Great, wear your football shirt. Going out to dinner? Absolutely do not wear your football shirt. The same goes for wearing a suit, a shirt, a tie when (and only when) the occasion is appropriate. Get it right.
Decent basic personal hygiene
This should not come as a surprise, but smelling nice, showering, washing your hair and keeping your beard in check are all essential components to basic personal hygiene. No woman is going to find you attractive if you smell terrible, you have greasy locks or an out of control beard. Lock it up, gentlemen.
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Gentleman's Journal / Lifestyle / Travel
How to fly like a gentleman
From checking in to disembarking, this is how to navigate air travel properly


BY JONATHAN WELLS
14TH AUGUST 2017



Today, a BBC investigation revealed that arrests of passengers suspected of being drunk at UK airports and on flights has risen by 50 per cent in the last year. Flying, it would appear, is becoming more and more boisterous by the day.
But the problems don’t just lay in the bottom of a bottle. Airplanes, check-in queues and departure lounges are all fraught with the rude and the noisy – so it’s about time to return a little decorum to the skies, and learn how to fly like a gentleman.

Give people their space
The cardinal sin of air travel is getting in people’s way. From brushing past passengers when boarding to falling asleep on them mid-flight, there are few things so irksome as the person in the seat next to you invading your space. So watch out, think before you stretch out your legs and be sure to keep within the confines of your own area at all times.
Don’t recline your seat without checking behind you first, don’t overfill your designated area in the overheard stowage – learn to travel light, gents – and don’t manspread yourself across all three seats. Also, just to settle the armrest argument once and for all – if you’re unlucky enough to land the middle seat, the armrests on each side are rightfully yours. Respect the rules.

Give people their personal space, too
Giving people space on flights – especially those long haul drags – extends past the physical space and into the personal. If someone’s trying to sleep next to you, or seems engrossed in a holiday read, then do not take this as a sign that you should incessantly try to engage them in conversation for the whole flight.
Personal space can be just as important as physical to some people, so keep shtum, read the situation and don’t interfere. Although, as a gentleman, it’s important to see if anyone is in need of a chat. Some people are deathly afraid of flying, so if someone looks as if they’re struggling on their own, be the first to offer them some gentle conversation and a helping hand.

Get off in an orderly manner
There are certain unspoken rules about disembarking an airplane – the first of which being take your time. Unless you have a connection that you’re chronically late for, or a bathroom emergency – God help you – then you can wait the ten minutes it takes for everyone in front of you to get off the plane first. Your bags will still be on the carousel when you make it off the plane.
Don’t push, offer to help people get their bags out of the overhead storage and ensure that groups aren’t split up by you pushing in mid-line. Stay sat down until you can actually move, swiftly pull your bag down and get off quickly and without fuss – whilst always pausing to thank the cabin crew.

Spend as little time as possible in the toilet
Speaking of getting off, the toilet is just that; a toilet. Any ambitions you have of joining the Mile High Club should be filed firmly alongside flying in flip-flops and inflatable neck pillows in airplane no-nos. Because, not only is getting it on on-board only remotely acceptable if you’ve got a private jet and no queues outside the toilet door, but airplane bathrooms are notoriously filthy.
As such, get in and get out, making sure that the toilet is in as ‘good’ a state when you leave as it was when you enter. Even if you’re flying first class, we’d leave the complimentary products – from toothbrushes to flannels – in the toilets where they are, and remember – as comfortable as you are in your seat, shoes on when you visit the toilet.

Don’t drink too much during a flight
Which brings us back to where we began. Drinking on flights is nothing new, but it seems to be spiralling out of control – with more clear spirits and cans of cheap lager being consumed in mid-air than they are in the kitsch airport pub before you take off. Heed this advice; one drink every two hours is acceptable, but start quaffing quicker than that and you’ll be in trouble.
If it’s brandy to soothe the nerves, that’s permissible? A small glass of red wine with your in-flight meal? Go right ahead. But the moment you start clicking at the air hostess to bring you more beer, or your fifth gin and tonic in as many hours, you’ve gone too far. Take a break from the bottle, relax and sleep – without an inflatable neck pillow, of course…
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5 online businesses you can start today by Craig June 18, 2017 Affiliate Marketing, Amazon Associates, Business Ideas, Online Business 0 Comments
Looking for an online business you can start and run out of your home or from anywhere in the world?
Finding an idea for an online business is not the hard part. The hard part is staying focused and executing for as long as it takes to meet your goals.
Here are 5 online businesses you can start today.
1) Affiliate Marketer
Affiliate marketing is partnering with brands that offer a commission as a reward for your endorsement and referral. Affiliate marketers or resellers generally act as middlemen between customers and products.
As an affiliate marketer, you can earn commissions by referring web traffic and sales through your own promotional efforts using a coded URL or web address to track each referral.
There are thousands of products you can resell for a profit when you sign up with Affiliate networks like JVZoo, Commission Junction, and Clickbank.
Many of the bloggers you read online are probably affiliate marketers. I use affiliate marketing on this website to help generate a passive income and you can too.
There are also 1000’s of software as a service(SaaS) companies out there that you can become resellers for. This is where I get some of my best revenue from.
Find a whole bunch of SaaS affiliate programs here you can join and start referring customers and making commissions.
2) Amazon affiliate business
The Amazon Associates program offers many ways to make money on the largest selection of books, music, DVDs, toys, electronics, kitchen, apparel, jewelry, tools that you can find on the Amazon website.
As an Amazon Associate, you can earn commissions on products and services that you refer customers to.
There are thousands of people earning a living doing this and you can do it too.
The trick is finding a niche and focusing on that. Do your research and learn the best way to profit as an Amazon Associate.
There is a lot of competition in this space so the key is to find a niche that doesn’t have too much competition and hustle hard.
3) Mobile App Designer
There are over 5 million apps in both the Apple App Store and the Google Play App store. If you have a great problem to solve for a specific niche, building a mobile app can be very profitable.
With over 5 million apps, you need to do your research and really understand both your target audience and the specific problem you are solving for them. Finding product market fit is very important. If you do, you might have a million dollar idea on your hand.
Use the Value Proposition Canvas to helps you tackle a core challenge of every business — creating compelling products and services customers want to buy.
Right now the most downloaded paid apps include Games, Health Apps, Productivity tools and other entertainment apps.
4) YouTube influencer
Some of the highest paid Youtube stars are earning over $10 million dollars a year. Felix Kjellberg(PewDiePie) makes over $12 million a year playing video games and making jokes, Rosanna Pansino making $5 million as the Cupcake Wizard and Michelle Phan makes over $3 million a year with Makeup tutorials.
If you have a knack for being in front of the camera becoming a youtube star can be very profitable.
These people are at the top of the game but there is always room for new talent. There are many people making a good living in smaller niche areas doing things as simple as teaching people how to draw.
If you have the talent for this, you don’t need too much. A good fast computer, a quality camera & microphone and video editing software.
5) Buy and Sell Domain Names
Buying and selling domain names can be profitable when done right. There are stories abound of people buying domains $10 dollars 15 years ago and then selling today for millions of dollars.
The chances of this happening to most is low but there is still opportunities to make money buying and selling domains. especially since there is new Top level domain extensions like .travel, .legal and hundreds more.
The key to buying and selling domains today is about knowing your niche and what domains may be worth more than others.
Joe Styler over on the Goddady Blog wrote a great article on 5 tried-and-true tips for buying and selling domain names for profit.
Summary
So there you have it, 5 online businesses you can start today. So what are you waiting for?
All you need to do is start.

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HI I’M CRAIG. WELCOME TO MY BLOG!
I love to explore the ever-changing intersection of products, sales, marketing & technology.
I write about building and growing online businesses and making money online.
Topics covered include; strategy, affiliate marketing, sales funnels, email, e-commerce, Amazon Associates, FBA, Social media, PPC, SEO and more.
Always open to new JV opportunities and partnerships so feel free to reach out.
Some of the links on my website are affiliate links where I get paid for referring customers. I only refer people to products I have used and truly think they provide value in helping you build and grow your online business.
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Buddha’s Keys to Unlocking Change in your Life
By Luke Miller on Saturday April 9th, 2016


7538

There are no guarantees the life we are living today will be the same tomorrow
There are very few certainties in life but one thing that will remain consistent through your life is, you will continually have challenges and problems to overcome and while these challenges will differ from person to person, the solution for any problems can be broken down into 7 key areas for development.
In a sacred text called the Sabbāsava Sutta the Buddha outlines these 7 areas; my interpretation of this text is below. The original text is available to read here in Pāḷi and English.
1. Knowledge/Insight
We currently live in an age of information, and while this stockpile of knowledge can at times be overwhelming it is very useful for overcoming challenges in your life.
Knowledge can be very useful for overcoming challenges
When you have a challenge there is always a solution out there, it’s your job to gather the info, syphon the good from the bad and work out a plan for getting there.
It’s not always easy; in fact it’s usually very difficult and depending on the problem you are facing could take some real trial and error.
But if you are determined to overcome a problem you are facing there will always be a solution out there, you just have to find it!
2. Resistance/Replacement
When you are making a transition in life there will be times when you will have to call on your resistance to temptation.
If you are starting a new exercise regime, trying to overcome procrastination or trying to get rid of an addiction of any type, there will be times when you will have to resist the temptation to fall back into bad habits. But while this is very important it is really only part of the solution.
To give up a bad habit using resistance alone would be very difficult, so when you are trying to change a bad routine you will find it easier if you consciously replace it with a more productive one.
Consciously replace a bad routine with a more productive one
If you stop smoking, you could start painting. If you stop eating junk food, you could start eating health food. Or if you are going to stop hanging out in nightclubs and getting drunk, you could start going to yoga and drinking raw juice.
It’s very important that you consciously look for a healthy, sustainable replacement to bad habits, because if you don’t you may end up with a worse habit in its place.
3. Consumption
Consumption works both ways; you could be over consuming or under consuming.
You could be eating too much or not enough. You could be not drinking enough water or be drinking too much fizzy drinks. You could be buying too much stuff that you don’t need or you could be depriving yourself from the things that you do need.
However it is in your case, consuming more or less of certain things will help you overcome some of life’s challenges.
Consuming more or less of certain things
This lesson really goes hand in hand with knowledge as when you learn more about your need’s as a human being you get more of an understanding of what you need to consume more or less of.
A prime example of this is medicine and when I say medicine I am not just talking about pills, I am also talking about plants, herbs and food medicines.
A lot of us are taking pills for problems that we can overcome naturally and because of these pills we are starting treatment with one problem and the side effects of these medicines are leaving us with more problems all of which need different pills to overcome them.
This is the vicious circle of symptom based treatment and not looking at health as a whole.
Understanding what you need
Most illness, spiritual, emotional, mental and physical can be overcome naturally. So try your best to find out how you can use nature to overcome your problems before consuming toxic and dangerous medicines.
Consumption also works for the mind to, your thoughts become things. So if you are stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts you may want to try to replace them with something a little more positive.
4. Patience/Persistence
You cannot always have what you want, when you want it! This is not a bad thing; just imagine everything you set out to do was completed straight away. You would have nothing to aim for, no goals and no reason to wake up in the morning.
If you have something big that you want in your life you will have to be patient and you will also need to be persistent.
If you have something big that you want in your life you will have to be patient
If you work every day towards a goal and that goal is something that you have some control over then the only thing that can stand between you and your goal is time!
One thing to remember here is to try and enjoy the journey, if you think a certain goal will bring you happiness and you struggle to find anything to be grateful for on the way chances are when you finally get there you will still not feel satisfied.
Celebrate every small victory on route to your big goals, be patient and persistent and you will get there in the end!
5. Avoidance
Some things in your life will be out of your control, certain people and places will leave a negative impact on you. Sometimes it will not be possible to just walk away from these things, but you can do your best to avoid them.
If someone at work acts negatively and always leaves you feeling down avoid them. If you are making dietary changes and your friends are going to a fast food restaurant don’t go. If your partner happens to love Housewives Of New Jersey and you don’t, go read a book when they are watching it!
Go read a book!
Some things in life will need to be confronted, but sometimes the best way to deal with a problem is to just avoid or ignore it.
6. Removal
There will be times in your life when avoiding a problem is just not viable. Sometimes in life you have to make tough decisions, but usually the tough decisions result in the biggest impact.
Sometimes friendships and relationships end. Sometimes a career is having such a negative impact on your life that you will have to leave. Sometimes you have to stop relying on will power to help you through your diet and throw out them chocolate chip cookies.
Your life is your responsibility and when certain things have a constant negative impact on you, you will have to make a decision – am I going to accept this or remove it and move on.
Moving on
This can be one of the hardest things a person can do, but when you take note of things, people and places that impact your life in a bad way and do your best to remove them, your life will change for the better.
7. Lifestyle
The first step for lifestyle is finding out what lifestyle you really want, a lot of people go into adulthood without knowing what they want or what they stand for.
Lifestyle will affect your health, wealth and relationships so it’s important if you want to lead a fulfilling life that you know what you want and build a lifestyle around that.
Lifestyle is really a combination of the knowledge you acquire, the daily habits you partake in and what you deem to be acceptable on your journey.
Building a healthy lifestyle
It’s very important that you set strict boundaries in some areas of your life to make sure your life is the one you want to be living.
Let’s face it we all have the same amount of time in the day, yet some people can barely manage to get on top of household chores, While others can run a Fortune 500 company and still find the time to meditate, go to the gym and hang out with friends and family in the evening.
It’s very much about viewing your life and seeing what is productive and empowering you and what is negative and disempowering you. Then doing more of the positive and less of the negative!
How do you feel about this article? Join the conversation.

Words By Luke Miller
Originally posted on Potential for Change

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7 Serious Signs That You Need to Try Mindfulness
JUNE 14, 2016 DIET
 by ELINOR BLOCK
Mindfulness is arguably the buzzword of the past few years. From Google holding courses for its employees to Apple announcing a new app for mindfulness on its watch, it's hard to escape it. For the uninitiated, mindfulness is the practice of being present in the moment and calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations. The idea is that by being present, we can feel better about ourselves, make better decisions and generally feel calmer in our day-to-day lives.
And if you need more proof that this is really the new go-to method for helping people to feel calmer, NICE (the National Institute for Clinical Excellence) even suggests it as a treatment for those with depression, with 30 percent of British GPs now referring patients for mindfulness-based treatment.
But it's not just a method used for those suffering from mental health conditions, it's also a fantastic practice for people who deal with everyday stressful situations (that's most of us then). We turned to Dr. Elaine Weatherley-Jones, a chartered psychologist and a teacher of mindfulness-based approaches, to see how we can incorporate the technique into our daily life for when we're feeling anxious, stressed at work or unable to sleep. Keep scrolling for your mindfulness solution, whatever your daily stress trigger may be…
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"The first thing to ask yourself is ‘how do you know you’re anxious?' Locate where you’re experiencing this in your body and deliberately bring your attention to it. So, for example, are you experiencing a rapid heart rate? Don’t try to stop this from happening and focus on this sensation.
If you’re still lying in bed, try to stand up and pay attention to the feeling of your feet against the floor and how you can feel yourself balancing. Now try to deliberately notice everything. Notice how your body is moving as your weight changes from one foot to the other. Try walking to the kitchen with deliberate movements. Hold a glass under the tap and let the water flow over. Now check in and see how those feelings are doing. Are you still anxious?"
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"Let’s say there’s somebody with a buggy on the tube, and it’s catching the back of your heel. So draw your attention and notice your experiences; the back of your ankles might be hurting, you feel anger, or both. At that point, it's important to notice that you’re getting involved in a story of ‘if I had a buggy, I wouldn’t do that.’ Allow that idea of the story to be present without acting on it. Make that choice to not act on it. By slowing down and really owning what your feelings are, you won’t be acting out of a knee-jerk response. You’ve owned your own irritation. Then, if you choose to take action, you won’t behave inappropriately."
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"Whatever the difficulties that arise, mindfulness can help you to stop that voice inside your head from trying to fix things. If you turn your attention to something that’s going on inside you, you'll find you understand yourself more and are less likely to react negatively. Don’t focus on the circumstances; focus on the feelings. It’s all based on your own anxieties, but if you look at what you are feeling, then what you’ll find is that you’re being a bit harsh on yourself."
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"It takes years of practice to be mindful while your buttons are being pressed. So let’s say you're in a situation after you’ve got angry with a colleague or even a family member. In this case, I would advise you to sit somewhere quietly. See if it’s possible to step away from the story. Avoid the internal narrative of trying to mollify or fix the situation. See if you can step away from being very reactive and explore what your feelings are—you’ll often find there’ll be emotions other than anger. Try to bring a quality and compassion to your emotions as you would do to a small child who was upset. Then what you’ll find, once you’ve given yourself that compassion, you’ll be able to choose how you act."
Recommended mindfulness books:

Mark Williams and Danny Penman , £10

Thich Nhat Hanh , £18

Jon Kabat-Zinn , £18
Want more? Here are five ways to feel less anxious in under a minute.
Opening Image: Wildfox
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How To Get People To Like You: 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior Expert

Meeting new people can be awkward. What should you say? How can you make a good impression? How do you keep a conversation going?
Research shows relationships are vital to happiness and networking is the key to getting jobs and building a fulfilling career.
But what’s the best way to build rapport and create trust? Plain and simple, who can explain how to get people to like you?
Robin Dreeke can.
Robin was head of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Program and has studied interpersonal relations for over 27 years. He’s an expert on how to make people like you.
Robin is the author of the excellent book, It’s Not All About “Me”: The Top Ten Techniques for Building Quick Rapport with Anyone.
I gave him a call to get some answers. (Note that Robin is not speaking for the FBI here, these are his expert insights.)
You’re going to learn:
The #1 secret to clicking with people.
How to put strangers at ease.
The thing you do that turns people off the most.
How to use body language like a pro.
Some great verbal jiu-jitsu to use on people who try to manipulate you.
And a lot more. Okay, let’s learn something.
1) The Most Important Thing To Do With Anyone You Meet
Robin’s #1 piece of advice: “Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.”
Ask questions. Listen. But don’t judge. Nobody — including you — likes to feel judged.
Here’s Robin:
The number one strategy I constantly keep in the forefront of my mind with everyone I talk to is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them. People do not want to be judged in any thought or opinion that they have or in any action that they take.
It doesn’t mean you agree with someone. Validation is taking the time to understand what their needs, wants, dreams and aspirations are.
So what should you do when people start spouting crazy talk? Here’s Robin:
What I prefer to try to do is, as soon as I hear something that I don’t necessarily agree with or understand, instead of judging it my first reaction is, “Oh, that’s really fascinating. I never heard it in quite that way. Help me understand. How did you come up with that?”
You’re not judging, you’re showing interest. And that lets people calmly continue talking about their favorite subject: themselves.
Studies show people get more pleasure from talking about themselves than they do from food or money:
Talking about ourselves—whether in a personal conversation or through social media sites like Facebook and Twitter—triggers the same sensation of pleasure in the brain as food or money…
(To learn how FBI hostage negotiators build rapport and trust, click here.)
So you’ve stopped being Judgy Judgerson and you’re happily validating. Oh, if it were only that easy… What’s the problem here? Your ego.
2) Suspend Your Ego To Get People To Like You
Most of us are just dying to point out how other people are wrong. (Comment sections on the internet are fueled by this, aren’t they?)
And it kills rapport. Want to correct someone? Want to one-up them with your clever little story? Don’t do it.
Here’s Robin:
Ego suspension is putting your own needs, wants and opinions aside. Consciously ignore your desire to be correct and to correct someone else. It’s not allowing yourself to get emotionally hijacked by a situation where you might not agree with someone’s thoughts, opinions or actions.
Contradicting people doesn’t build relationships. Dale Carnegie said it many years ago — and modern neuroscience agrees.
When people hear things that contradict their beliefs, the logical part of their mind shuts down and their brain prepares to fight.
Via Compelling People: The Hidden Qualities That Make Us Influential:
So what happened in people’s brains when they saw information that contradicted their worldview in a charged political environment? As soon as they recognized the video clips as being in conflict with their worldview, the parts of the brain that handle reason and logic went dormant. And the parts of the brain that handle hostile attacks — the fight-or-flight response — lit up.
(For more on keeping a conversation fun, click here.)
So you’ve stopped trying to be clever. But how do you get a reputation as a great listener?
3) How To Be A Good Listener
We’ve all heard that listening skills are vital but nobody explains the right way to do it. What’s the secret?
Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next and focus on what they’re saying right now.
Be curious and ask to hear more about what interests you.
Here’s Robin:
Listening isn’t shutting up. Listening is having nothing to say. There’s a difference there. If you just shut up, it means you’re still thinking about what you wanted to say. You’re just not saying it. The second that I think about my response, I’m half listening to what you’re saying because I’m really waiting for the opportunity to tell you my story.
What you do is this: as soon as you have that story or thought that you want to share, toss it. Consciously tell yourself, “I am not going to say it.”
All you should be doing is asking yourself, “What idea or thought that they mentioned do I find fascinating and want to explore?”
Research shows just asking people to tell you more makes you more likable and gets them to want to help you.
The basics of active listening are pretty straightforward:
Listen to what they say. Don’t interrupt, disagree or “evaluate.”
Nod your head, and make brief acknowledging comments like “yes” and “uh-huh.”
Without being awkward, repeat back the gist of what they just said, from their frame of reference.
Inquire. Ask questions that show you’ve been paying attention and that move the discussion forward.
(To learn the listening techniques of FBI hostage negotiators, click here.)
I know, I know — some people are just boring. You’re not that interested in what they’re saying. So what questions do you ask then, smart guy?
4) The Best Question To Ask People
Life can be tough for everyone: rich or poor, old or young. Everyone.
We all face challenges and we like to talk about them. So that’s what to ask about.
Here’s Robin:
A great question I love is challenges. “What kind of challenges did you have at work this week? What kind of challenges do you have living in this part of the country? What kinds of challenges do you have raising teenagers?” Everyone has got challenges. It gets people to share what their priorities in life are at that point in time.
Questions are incredibly powerful. What’s one of the most potent ways to influence someone? Merely asking for advice.
Via Adam Grant’s excellent Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success:
Studies demonstrate that across the manufacturing, financial services, insurance, and pharmaceuticals industries, seeking advice is among the most effective ways to influence peers, superiors, and subordinates. Advice seeking tends to be significantly more persuasive than the taker’s preferred tactics of pressuring subordinates and ingratiating superiors. Advice seeking is also consistently more influential than the matcher’s default approach of trading favors.
Twisting your mustache thinking you can use this for nefarious purposes? Wrong, Snidely Whiplash. It only works when you’re sincere.
Via Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success:
In her research on advice seeking, Liljenquist finds that success “depends on the target perceiving it as a sincere and authentic gesture.” When she directly encouraged people to seek advice as an influence strategy, it fell flat.
(For a list of the questions that can create a strong bond in minutes, click here.)
But what if you have to approach someone cold? How do you get people who might not want to talk to you to willingly give you their attention?
5) How To Make Strangers Feel At Ease
First thing: tell them you only have a minute because you’re headed out the door.
Here’s Robin:
When people think you’re leaving soon, they relax. If you sit down next to someone at a bar and say, “Hey, can I buy you a drink?” their shields go way up. It’s “Who are you, what do you want, and when are you leaving?” That “when are you leaving” is what you’ve got to answer in the first couple of seconds.
Research shows just asking people if now is a good time makes them more likely to comply with requests:
The results showed that compliance rates were higher when the requester inquired about respondents’ availability and waited for a response than when he pursued his set speech without waiting and inquiring about respondents’ availability.
Nobody wants to feel trapped talking to some weirdo. People are more likely to help you than you think, but they need to feel safe and in control.
(For more on how to make friends easily, click here.)
Even if you get all of the above right you can still come off like a shady used car salesman. And that fear stops you from meeting new awesome people.
Robin says one of the key reasons people come off as untrustworthy is because their words and their body language are misaligned. Let’s fix that.
6) The Best Body Language For Building Rapport
Your words should be positive, free of ego and judgment — and your body language (“non-verbals”) needs to match.
Here are the things Robin recommends:
“The number one thing is you’ve gotta smile. You absolutely have to smile. A smile is a great way to engender trust.”
“Keep that chin angle down so it doesn’t appear like you’re looking down your nose at anyone. And if you can show a little bit of a head tilt, that’s always wonderful.”
“You don’t want to give a full frontal, full body display. That could be very offensive to someone. Give a little bit of an angle.”
“Keep your palms up as you’re talking, as opposed to palms down. That says, “I’m hearing what you’re saying. I’m open to what your ideas are.”
“So I always want to make sure that I’m showing good, open, comfortable non-verbals. I just try to use high eyebrow elevations. Basically, anything going up and elevating is very open and comforting. Anything that is compressing: lip compression, eyebrow compression, where you’re squishing down, that’s conveying stress.”
Research backs him up. From Dale Carnegie to peer-reviewed studies, everyone says smiles matter. (In fact, to increase their power, smile slower.)
It makes us happier too. Neuroscience research shows smiling gives the brain as much pleasure as 2000 bars of chocolate — or $25,000.
Via Smile: The Astonishing Powers of a Simple Act:
Depending on whose smile you see, the researchers found that one smile can be as pleasurable and stimulating as up to 2,000 bars of chocolate! …it took up to 16,000 pounds sterling in cash to generate the same level of brain stimulation as one smile! This is equivalent to about $25,000 per smile…
(To learn how to decode body language and read people like a book, click here.)
So now you come off as the pleasant person you are, not as a scheming taker. But what do you do when the other person is a scheming taker?
7) How To Deal With Someone You Don’t Trust
The name of this blog is not “Helpful Tools For Sociopaths.” I’m not trying to teach you to manipulate others.
But what should do you do when you feel someone is using these methods to try and manipulate you?
Don’t be hostile but be direct: ask them what they want. What are their goals in this interaction?
Here’s Robin:
The first thing I try to do is clarify goals. I’ll stop and say, “You’re throwing a lot of good words at me. Obviously you’re very skilled at what you’re doing. But what I’m really curious about… What’s your goal? What are you trying to achieve? I’m here with my goals, but obviously you have to achieve your goals. So if you can just tell me what your objectives are, we can start from there and see if we can mutually take care of them. If not, that’s fine too.”
I watch for validation. If someone is trying to validate me and my thoughts and opinions, I am alert to it. I love doing that as well. So now I’m looking for intent. Are you there for me or are you there for you? If you are there strictly for your own gain and you’re not talking in terms of my priorities ever, that’s when I’m seeing someone is there to manipulate me.
Want to build a connection with someone? Focus on trust, not tricks. That’s how you earn respect. Trust is fragile. And mistrust is self-fulfilling.
When you ask people what the most important character trait is, what do they say? Trustworthiness.
Participants in 3 studies considered various characteristics for ideal members of interdependent groups (e.g., work teams, athletic teams) and relationships (e.g., family members, employees). Across different measures of trait importance and different groups and relationships, trustworthiness was considered extremely important for all interdependent others…
(To learn how to detect lies, click here.)
That’s a lot more to digest than “Just be yourself” but far more effective. Let’s round it up and make it something you can start using today.
Sum Up
Here are Robin’s tips:
The single most important thing is non-judgmental validation. Seek someone else’s thoughts and opinions without judging them.
Suspend your ego. Focus on them.
Really listen, don’t just wait to talk. Ask them questions; don’t try to come up with stories to impress.
Ask people about what’s been challenging them.
Establishing a time constraint early in the conversation can put strangers at ease.
Smile, chin down, blade your body, palms up, open and upward non-verbals.
If you think someone is trying to manipulate you, clarify goals. Don’t be hostile or aggressive, but ask them to be straight about what they want.
(For more insights from Robin’s book, click here.)
Robin’s a fascinating guy and we ended up speaking for over an hour, so the above is just part of what he had to say.
I’ll be sending out an extended interview in my next weekly email update.
To learn more from Robin (including the one type of body language that causes you to screw everything up), join over 130,000 readers and get my free weekly update here.
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